Men and Women
by souchan
Summary: In a traditionally sexist society, there lived two men and a woman whose genders were twisted against their will. Will they be able to find their true selves while all the forces of war, love and hate are breaking them apart? OkitaxOCxHeisuke
1. Prelude:Woman behind a Man's facade

**Author's Note: The prelude has been revised, and there is a significant change in the latter part. The next chapters will also be revised shortly. Please read and review!

* * *

**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Peacemaker. Now, on with the story!

* * *

**Men and Women**

**Prelude: Girl behind a man's facade (Shinji).

* * *

**

I am neither man nor woman. Of course, I never wished to be this way. In fact, from the moment I was born, I was bound to rigid concepts about the distinctive roles of the two sexes: men were born to make humanities; women were born to make babies. Those who crossed the boundaries were viewed as a disgrace.

I know. I am one of them. For a while, I was so confused that I was on the brink of insanity. Until one day I reached the realization that genders and capabilities shouldn't be mingled. In war--and in life too--, your enemies don't spare you on account of gender. Whether you are man or woman, your capability of death is the same. I have learned this after days of encountering decayed carcasses strewn around the dark corners--and sometimes in open light--of Kyoto while on patrol duty. How I ended up in the middle of this bloody war is a long story. Perhaps it was fate, a matter of chance that I joined the Shinsengumi.

I was the only new recruit on the First Division. Under command of a young captain named Okita Souji(rou). It's only proper that I should mention him, seeing that he is popular beyond reasons. Kendo child prodigy, ladies' man, schizophrenic, gay lover of a certain "demonic Fukuchou", so the rumors go. To me, however, he was nothing but a regular two-face. In battle, he becomes a devil. His ki alone was enough to make his opponents shit their trousers. But on any other given occasion, he becomes a kid. If you weren't informed, you'd swear he's one of the orphans at the temple, after watching him constantly munching on sweets and pampering his pesky piglet.

Why am I thinking all this, you ask? For the simple reason of killing time, why else? Yet it turned out that there's only so much time to be killed while waiting a turn to place order for lunch. Especially when there's a goddamn letcher in the way:

"Feel that ass! Damn, this girl gotta be class A! Hey, how'bout me and you at Shimabara to night?" The vulgar comment was directed toward a shy waitress girl who was too timid to retaliate.

I don't have patience for letchers. So I stomped on his foot.

"You want to fight, you son-of-a-bitch?" growled the letcher as he grabbed me by the collar. I shook off his hand and said:

"No. If you want to do monkey business, buy a real whore and do it elsewhere. For now, get your ass out of the way so the rest of us can order."

The letcher was as mad as a rabid mongrel. He punched me in the face but missed because I moved quickly out of the way. The second punch was stopped byOkita before it hit my nose.

Throughout the whole lunchtime, everyone gave me strange looks. They were astounded that I--a rookie--had the nerves to brawl like that.

"Shinshirou, is something wrong?" inquiredmy captain in a curious tone after we stepped out of the restaurant.

"Iie, Okita-san. Why do you ask?"

He beamed a rather sheepish smile, "Nothing. It's just that you usually keeps to yourself. This is the first time I see you're so provoked."

I didn't reply. Partly because there was no proper response, and partly because something else, more imminent, seemed wrong to me.

"You over there! We are the Shinsengumi patrol force, show us your identification!" The addressed ronin never bothered to answer. He fled into an alley nearby with us on hot pursuit.

The alley turned out to be a designated lieu for an ambush. More than a dozen of Choshuus were waiting for us, each armed enough for a sufficient workday in a slaughterhouse.

"This will be the place of your burial. So prepare to die, Miburo bastards!"

Okitawas smiling as he unsheathed his katana. Smiling in the face of death. How I hated such foolish people like him who were willing to throw away their own lives for no immediate purpose in this hell of a war. They don't know how much life is worth. Priceless.

Nontheless, I whipped out my sword and fought. I slashed and stabbed like an animal. Blood gushed forth. So much blood you don't even know if it's yours until you feel pain somewhere on your body. Then it's too late.

These Choshuus have been informed of Okita's skill. So they focused their attacks on him, knowing if they could take down the leader, the rest of the pack wouldn't be that much of a trouble. Their strategy was low, though in war nobody cares about the honorable aspect of tactics.

His Sandanzuki was, indeed, a lethal technique when dealing single opponent, no matter how formidable. However, it was not designed to use on a crowd of seven or eight experienced ronins synchronizing an all sides attack.

Having decapitated my own opponent, I rushed forward and thrusted my blade on another one that was about to stab Okita from behind. I'm not doing this out of valor or special affections to him; all I knew was that if he dies, then we all die. The Shinsengumi had made a rule that compels the whole division to fight and die on the spot, in case their captain was killed in battle. Die fighting a lost cause. How goddamned stubborn we are.

Choshuus were like fleas, you know. There was no way to get rid of them completely. Plus, fighting to defend yourself alone is hard enough, not less watching out for someone else at the same time. Unlike Okita, I was no sword prodigy. I was distracted. Before I could pull the blade from the stomach of the man in front of me, another Choshuu aimed his sword at my captain's ribs. There was no time to think. Hell, there wasn't even time to direct my sword to stop the thrust.

So I took it.

I winced as my legs crumbled...It's been a long time since I felt this kind of pain. The type of agony that made me want to tear my chest out...But that's alright...I felt it.

Because, man or woman, I was still human...afterall...

* * *

I was a little amazed that I landed in a warm bed instead of a firey pit called hell. 

I strained my eyes and looked around.

This is our compound. And my wound's been stitched and bandaged by someone unknown.

Yet when I saw where my injury was, I was struck with horror.

"Ayumu-san, this is a very mean joke! Shinshirou is not a girl! He's as much a man as I am!" Just outside the shoji door, Okita's voice rung clear in a childish dismissal.

The shoji door slid opened.

Okita's eyes darkened as they took sight of my shaking, half-naked figure, of which was fruitlessly covered with my nervous hands. He didn't speak, but his cold, unrelenting stare that never looked away made me shivered. Yet at the same time, my face and head were red hot it was unbearable. A whirlwind of excruciating heat emerged along with the shameful sense in my heart was swallowing me up whole. Okita's look alone was cruel, almost feral; it pierced through my very soul. I was left mute, without a pretext to defend myself. No words were spoken, and Okita's chilling stare continued to haunt me even after he left.

"Little sister." murmured Ayu-nee, her hand on my tremulous shoulder. "I'd like to know your real name."

"Shin...ji." I bit down the word, as I was on the verge of crying.

"Shinji-chan. Do you want to cry? Cry out loud. Scream, wail, weep, whatever. Don't hold it back. Tears flowing inwardly is the saddest and most painful thing, Shinji-chan. Cry them out."

I burst into tears. I cried like I did when I was a child. It's been so long since I've cried out. Too long.

"Do you know, little sister, how great it is to be able to cry like a child?" said Ayu-nee as she tapped on my back like one would to calm a baby. Ayu-nee's shoulder sleeve was dampened from my tears, but she didn't mind. She went on with her caring, big-sister voice:

"A child cries when it's sad, or angry, or hungry, or abandoned. It cries out loud to get rid of those unpleasant emotions. Unlike us who tried to hide them to ourselves. Once something else catches the child's attention, it'd move on quickly. But grownups never do."

"Ayu-nee, is...being a...girl...such a...bad thing?" I asked with a hoarse, broken voice. I cried so much my throat was dried and hurt, and my eyes became sore and red I couldn't see a thing. "But I'm not even a girl!" I exclaimed bitterly. "If I was truly woman, I'd be a wife tending after my own family right now. I never had that chance!"

"Little sister, don't be so hard on your self. You are a woman, period, nothing else." Disbelief was in Ayu-nee's voice. Even she couldn't imagine what happened to me when I told her my story, between the sobs choking my throat.

I cried myself to sleep. My dreams took me back to my childhood, before I ever set foot inside this gathering of murderers, before I shaved my head and became a man, before I was considered utterly ruined as a woman...


	2. Himechan: Shinji

**This chapter has been revised. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Peacemaker. I do claim ownership of the plot and the OCs though.

* * *

**Men and Women **

**Chapter One: Hime-chan (Shinji)

* * *

**

A girl blessed with beauty and talent. Her parents' pride. She was a prodigy at the koto, singing, dancing, and also extremely well tuned for entertaining. She beamed a lovely smile as her fingers watlzed over the chords of the koto, making pleasant music as she went...

Unfortunately, I was not this girl.

"Absolutely splendid, Kaede-chan." cooed Aunt Ume, who was my cousin Kaede's mother. Then she turned to me, "Now that you've heard what the piece should sound like, play for me, why don't you? Remember to keep the beat: one two three, one two three...alright? Go."

One two three, one two three...counted I cautiously. After playing flawlessly for three minutes, I focused so much in counting the beat that I struck the wrong chord. And the more I played, the worse my music sounded. Instead of "splendid" music, it was a chaotic cacophony with all the wrong chords and the beat jumping all over the place.

"Stupid girl!" fumed Aunt Ume as she struck my head with her fan, "How many times have we gone over this piece? You sound like a yowling cat whose tail had been stepped on! Why can't you play like Kaede?"

I bowed my head low and kept quiet. Aunt Ume chided on:

"How on earth does your father expect me to make you a good bride? You can't sing, can't dance, can't play koto, can't even be a good hostess! What CAN you do?"

"I know how to cook, Auntie." said I with the best imitation of humility I could come up with.

**"COOK?"** repeated Aunt Ume with utmost scorn. "Noble women don't dirty their hands with such menial tasks! What do you think servants are there for? Whoever gave you that crazy idea?"

I smiled innocently, "Kaa-chan said so."

"Well, sure, that woman had to know how to cook! Her family couldn't even afford their daily meals, much less personal servants!"

I clamped my mouth shut. I was afraid that if I open it something horrible would come out and Aunt Ume would make me regret it sorely, by ways of telling Father about my lack of respect, and he would take me out for a good beating like the other times. So, with proper humility, I bowed my head to her again as I picked up my instrument and left.

"Don't feel bad," said Kaede with her trademark haughty smile as we walked down the corridor toward the front garden, "you're just not a genius like me."

Kaede was fifteen, five years older than me. She has long brown hair and a pair of attractive dark eyes as the center feature of her porcelain face. Her beauty and charm and talents could probably shame some of the most well-trained geishas in the Red Light District, and finally, her extraordinary pride to top it all. Arrogance--the favorable distinctive trait that has been passed down for generations in the Toyotomi house-- was also something she had plenty that I lacked. Needless to say, I envied Kaede. In my childish mind, I really believed that if I had a quarter of her beauty and charm and talents and personality, I'd never have to worry about being a disgrace to my parents.

"I was engaged last week." confided Kaede suddenly. "My future husband's in the teahouse business. His mother owns several at Shimabara. You know what Shimabara is, Shinji?" Forgetting that I was only ten years old, she talked to me as if to an adult, "It's the Red Light District in Kyoto. It's most likely that I get to run one of the teahouses in their enterprise. Lovely, ne?"

"When are you leaving?"

"Anytime they call on me. Oh, there's your escort." pointed her to Toudou Heisuke--who was waiting at the gate, "Goodness, look at the rags he's wearing! Can't your family afford better clothes for servants? Their appearance is a reflection on the family, don't you know?" whispered her to my ear, though it was loud enough that Heisuke heard it too.

"Well then, it's a good thing I'm not a servant of the Toyotomi house, is it not, _Lady Shinji_?" Heisuke retorted cynically.

"How insolent of you!" Kaede gave him a razor-sharp glare. "You're lucky I'm not a samurai, or else Shinigami'd be taunting you in hell!"

I cut in before the quarrel has any chance of becoming a cat-dog fight. "Listen to yourself, Kaede-neesan! You're supposed to be a lady of grace, aren't you? And you too, Heisuke-nii, some people are allergic to clowns, so keep your bantering to yourself."

"Stay out of this! You are not my mother!" Both of them yelled at me in unison and resumed quarreling.

Heisuke and Kaede, they're like a pair of bells and whistles. Loved to make noises. Don't ever shut up.

* * *

"I saw Midori-san this morning." remarked Heisuke as we walked to the tea house Kaa-chan told me to drop by after my koto lesson. It's our way to spend some mother-daughter quality time, especially since she's been absence for two months, "Looked like she had a good trip to the country. Must've tasted a little too much of her dishes."

"What do you mean?"

"With all due respect, I dare say...Midori-san's gotten fatter." Heisuke's eyes twinkled in mischief.

I would have hit Heisuke with my koto, but it's way too heavy for a ten years old, so I gather all my calmness and reply in my usual thoughtless way, "That's because she's pregnant, stupid bastard."

Heisuke's eyes darkened. They were blazing, and...savage. I thought he was going to hit me.

"Um...gomen. Gomen nasai. I didn't mean it...really, it just kinda came out.."

"Must you curse all the time?" Heisuke scowled at me, "You're a noble girl. And besides, you're ten!

"Father gets mad whenever he sees me, so he curses me all the time." I pouted. "Bitch, hell, asshole, bastard, fu..."

Heisuke clamped his hand over my mouth, "Don't you ever get caught by Midori-san?"

"No. I only curse when I'm angry. And surely I don't ever get upset around Kaa-chan."

"Cursing is bad."

I asked him why.

"It hurts other people's feelings."

"Did I hurt your feelings?"

"Yes."

"But how could it hurt your feelings if it's not true? You're not a bastard, you just ran away from your parents because you wanted to be independent! Wasn't that what you told me?"

"Yes." Heisuke nodded. With a little, yet noticeable reluctance.

"Then, the way I understand it, curses are just what you say when you're mad. They can't hurt other people's feelings because they're not true. Like how Father always says I'm a bitch. Well, I'm not a girl dog, so I don't care how many times he holler at me, 'bitch bitch bitch!' Feelings are hurt only when their owners chose to feel hurt."

Heisuke was gazing at me in a strange way. Not angry or disapproving. Somewhat astonished, and a little sad. I was certain he was disappointed in me. It just couldn't be helped. Father kept mentioning I was a born disappointment for quite a long time now.

When Heisuke was about to walk away and leave me in front of the teahouse's entrance, I tugged at his sleeve, "Could you do me a favor, onegai?"

"Sometimes I feel like I'm your slave, not your foster brother." He rolled his eyes, "What?"

"Please don't tell Kaa-chan about my cursings. I promise I'll try not to curse from now on."

Heisuke beamed a grin at me, "Alright. But don't forget your promise. I'll wash your mouth with soap if you break it."

* * *

That evening was the longest evening in my life. I waited and waited and waited and waited until the sun went to sleep and dusk drew on, until the teahouse's owner shooed me off the steps of which I've been sitting on. I kept on waiting, pretended that I was a rock. Nothing could move me from where I was. I fervently believed that Kaa-chan could be rounding the corner any moment now. She'd be anxious and worried that I've been waiting alone for too long. I'd hide from her view. Let her look for me. She'd be terrified when she saw that I wasn't there. And I'd jump out from my hiding place, squeeze Kaa-chan's in a big bear hug. Kaa-chan'd clutched me in her arms, even tighter. Her face paled and her trembling lips muttered words of relief. Nobody could tear me from her.

I awoke to my dismal reality when rain fell down on my head. Wasn't a regular summer drizzle, no, God was playing a prank on me, intending to drown me in this heavy downpour. The sky was black save the crooked lines of lightning that were ripping the clouds apart. Thunder boomed loudly by my ears. Immediately, I was seized with the dreadful feeling of fear. Fear of monsters, of darkness, of devils, or worse of all, of the prospect of never seeing Kaa-chan again. Frantically, I huddled behind a trashcan, biting on my thumb until my mouth tasted salty with blood--to suppress the urge to cry. No, crying'd only tell the demons where bad kids are at, Kaa-chan said so. I'm not a bad kid! I don't want to be eaten! I want to go home!

Out on the street, a group of three was kicking at a boy. I hid myself further. Yes, I'm selfish and cowardly like that. Because I'm a girl.

The boy was crying, a cry of helplessness and utter abandon. All the more to provoked the bullies. He should've known crying only reveals his weakness, showing the ones beating him where to strike the hardest.

I didn't want to save him. Why should I? Who'd save me from Father when he flogged me with the bamboo rod?

_...Kaa-chan did. Even when it meant getting a slap herself._

This boy was different. He didn't have a mother to save him from the beatings...

Trash launched through the air. The bullies were covered in a mixture of rainwater, mud rotten, filthy waste. I hooted with laughter at the pathetic sight, temporarily forgot my own predicament. They saw me. And I became their punching dummy.

If you recall, I've been Father's punching bag for more than half my life. The old man was forty times worse than these puny punks.

I wiped the blood off the corner of my mouth and knocked them down with my koto. It's made of jade, instead of wood like regular kotos. A precious gift Kaa-chan ordered from an exotic faraway land called China.

I made the bullies bowed to me before sending them scurried away like pitiful mice. Not possessing the indisputable arrogant quality of my Toyotomi relatives didn't make me void of pride. With a majestic tone in my voice I asked the boy if he was lost. But he was so shaken up and upset, he just went on crying, as if he's never cried before. The boy reminded me of myself the time Father tied me up to a tree in our yard and whipped me with a treebranch until I literally cried my voice out and fainted under the hot white sun. It was all because I stumbled upon his sake jug and shattered it.

"Go back to where you came from. Someone's probably already looking for you."

He shook his head; his long ponytail, heavy with rainwater--much like his white yukata--, swishing from side to side. He kept rubbing his eyes so much that I thought he might tear them out. The boy looked pitiful and sadly, girlish at the same time. I told him to have some faith, and stay put where he was instead of running around on these dark streets lest he wants to get eaten by monsters. I wasn't sure if any of those actually sank in, but prior to leaving, the boy spoke to me, his back turned towards me:

**"Nobody's looking, you can cry if you want to. Your thumb is bleeding, you know."**

* * *

It took me a while to adjust to the fact that I'm no longer number one, with the baby in Kaa- stomach growing bigger day by day. I actually felt threatened, being a selfish and spoiled child I was. No matter how many times Kaa-chan had repeated to me that she's suddenly taken ill the whole night of which she supposed to come to the teahouse, I've easily convinced myself that the real reason was that the baby had kicked me off my rightful seat in Kaa-chan's heart. To retaliate against the imminent threat , I deliberately acted like an obnoxious brat. Disobedience, vulgar manners, swearing (yeah, even swearing)...you name it. I even flatly refused to help Kaa-chan in the kitchen --something that had became our intimate hobby over six whole years of my life. Kaa-chan was infuriated, but she couldn't even lift a bamboo rod to flog me, much less make me listen to her.

I have truly turned rotten.

Four days later, a doctor came over to our house to check up on Kaa-chan. So it won't be long until the baby comes and snatches Kaa-chan from my life, this thought plunged me into an even sourer mood. However it turned out that I wasn't the only one who was indifferent toward the upcoming delivery.

"Did the doctor say it's a boy?" demanded Father.

"There's no way to know until it's born." replied Kaa-chan matter-of-factly.

"Rather know now and abort it if it's a girl. If we wait until it's born, then we can't throw it away."

Kaa-chan protested, "Babies aren't trash, teishou. Doesn't nine months carrying a baby in my belly count for something?"

"You think we have any use for another little bitch?" exploded Father suddenly. "Look at that girl of yours! She's worthless! Can't do anything! Just the thought of trying to find someone willing to marry her off is driving me nuts!"

A long pause. Then before exiting the room, Father sneered, "A boy, is that asking to much? Afterall, all you women are good for is making babies, is that not right?"

Eavesdropping on their conversation didn't make me feel any better. If the baby were to be a boy, Father'd make it next to God in the household. If the baby were to be a girl, it'd steal my Kaa-chan away. Either ways, my life was going down a spiral. And I hated the baby even when it was still in the womb.

* * *

That night we waited and waited for Father to come home. The foods Kaa-chan prepared got cold and distasteful, but I was so hungry I ate them anyways. We must've waited until midnight, until my head was bobbing up and down in a half-slumber and Kaa-chan told me to go to sleep.

"Ooohh...you devil you! Can't you wait til we're in bed?" came a voice of a woman, so flabby and distasteful like spoiled pastry.

"Shut it woman, or you'll wake up the old wench!" hissed Father, one hand groping at the woman's breast and the other swinging sake bottle.

I stood still, rigid with absolute disgust. All the things Kaa-chan had done for this man...how she had cooked for him and waited for him and slaved for him... And this man, whom I called Father could stoop so low he brought home a slut as if Kaa-chan wasn't here at all...

"Go to bed." ordered the man. As of this moment he ceased to be my father.

I didn't move. He cursed loudly, "Get out of my way, bitch!"

Seeing that I wouldn't budge, he lost his temper and threw the sake bottle at me.

It hurt so much. Blood started oozing out of the wound on my head. The red liquid scared me. I trembled and shook with the ghastly thought of death.

"Shin-chan!" shouted Kaa-chan as she pulled me back away from the man. "How dare you do this to her you asshole! Get the hell out of my sight! You and that slimy bitch! God damn you both to hell for enternity!"

The furious look Kaa-chan had. I have never seen anything more frightening in my whole life. She seemed as if she'd kill the man with her butcher knife.

The man glared at both of us with cold yet deadly intent, "You dared to disobey your husband for that worthless piece of shit?"

"The only part worthless of her, if there's any, is yours!" Kaa-chan shouted back. "If it weren't for her, I'd walked away from this hellhole a long time ago! If it weren't for her, I'd have left you to die in your own indulgence! Anyone that dares hurt her, I swear I'll kill them! I'll tear them from limb to limb!"

"Shut the fuck up!" He slapped Kaa-chan. When his hand fell, I could see the red marks of five fingers deeply printed on her cheek.

I was dead wrong about Kaa-chan. Kaa-chan loved me. She loved me still. Even after I've been such a damning child. Never so much did I loathe myself.

Sobs and tears burst out. I cried and cried. I cried out of anger, of self-loathing, and of resentment too, because I was so useless...so helpless I couldn't do anything.

* * *

**note:** Hime-chan means "little princess". Shinji is the girl in the prelude, if anyone's confused so far. Please read & review! 


	3. Sad Clown: Heisuke

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Peacemaker. I do claim ownership of the plot and the OCs though.  
Woa, took me so long to write this chapter. But here it is, enjoy!

* * *

**Men and Women **

**Chapter Two: Sad Clown (Heisuke)**

* * *

_"When you came out of your mother's womb, there was a mark on your forehead, says bastard. It's too deeply branded, there's no way to take it off. Even if you look into a mirror and you see nothing, people could still tell. You're a bastard for life."_

Well, that was **some** bedtime story.

I was four years old when I first heard it, too little to know what a bastard is. It was not until several years later that I learned it's a word specifically set aside for unwanted kids--children of the damned. As much as I resented it, the word clung to me without ever let go and became part of what I was. Old sluts at the brothel would holler out: **Bastard!Bastard!Bastard!**--whenever they're mad at "the bitch who delivered me" for snatching away their customers, or when they were fed up with the lurid treatment of prostitution in their lives. Young urchins would sneer at me--again, along with the "bastard" word-- as I walked around the neighborhood, feeling lower than a mongrel dog.

The word itself was a bottomless well of perpetual ignominy, from which poison gushed forth, and I was forced to swallow it back in along with hot, choking tears. Unlike other kids, I didn't have a mother or a father to run crying to. I was alone. Alone in these daily life battles which I fought and lost, because there were many of them and only one of me.

So time passed... Being the apathetic force it was, time went on without any consideration to any particular miserable human being. One year, two years, five years...time kept its tally and laughed at the day I became so sickened and weary of fighting for a lost cause that I dropped my fists and fought no more.

Now, you have to understand, pride is hard to kill with one stroke, but if it gets stomped on for so long, it'd simply die on its own. As I grew up, I learned to live without my pride. I learned how to look at sordid things that I see everyday from a facetious perspective. I learned to laugh into the face of life when life's being such an irritable bitch.

And I laughed.

Even when they curse at me. Bastard. Bastard.

Even when they slapped my face red or broke my nose bloodied for not obeying their twisted desires.

I had to laugh, in spite of it all.

With pride lost, humor was my only facade that kept me from being shattered into a thousand pieces under the relentless trample of life. I'd laughed at the woman who gave birth to me for being a slave to opium, at sluts for rotting in their own sexual affairs, at God for having no eyes to do anything about all this sordidness. Like a sad, jaded clown without any sensitivity to my own pain and other's, I'd laughed and laughed. Until one day it was all laughing. Not that I forgot how to cry, there simply wasn't any tears left to cry out.

But enough about myself. Let's pay some respect to the ones who gave birth to me, even if they didn't want me in the first place.

The woman who bore me in her womb for nine months and some odd days was a prostitute at the Red Lights district. The man who planted some part of himself in her womb was a playboy from a rich, politically powerful family of hypocrites. Their affair only spanned over night, and ended as quickly as it started. Yet, she did not drink the potion to kill me in her womb, as any prostitute would. She kept me, not out of love per se, but with the desperate hope that I would be her ticket out of this hellhole of carnality. Somehow, she had managed to conjure a sort of fantasy in her head that a baby would be the chain tying her and the man together. If rumors get out, reasoned her, that he got a bastard kid from an affair with a third-rate prostitute, his family's reputation would be utterly ruined. And seeing how his family was big on avoiding scandals, they'd have no alternative but to arrange a marriage as a gesture of saving face.

Her naive fantasy was almost perfect. The only flaw with it was that in real life, people weren't that stupid to buy in to her little scheme.

She was partially correct about the hypocritical nature of the family and their trepidation of a stained record though. However, instead of them ushering her into their house, it was them hiring thugs to demonstrate a death threat, that she would be dealing with the Devil lest they caught a hold of any kind of rumor.

After this failure, she gave up the last bits of hope she had left of ever escaping prostitution. Soulessly, she retreated into opium and conducted her business as usual, never so much as noticing the bastard she gave birth to by her side.

Except for one time...

* * *

It was a hot, blistering summer evening during which I chose to stay out late on the streets, rather than going back to the slums I lived in. Without a particular purpose in mind, I wandered here and there, smirking at well-groomed young women--whose faces were flushed as I walked by--, until I caught sight of a carriage that had halted only a building away from where I stood.

Down stepped the woman who had brought me into the world and left me there. Inside the carriage was a man whom I recognized as Shinji's dad--as he leaned out the window to kiss the woman.

His wife was so pregnant, her stomach had swelled up like a melon, and this asshole of a man didn't waste a minute getting into an affair. What was more ironic, his mistress was the woman whom I once called "okaa-san".

Dizzy with opium and frivolous pleasure, she waved goodbye to Shinji's dad and started walking toward my direction. I immediately turned my back and hurried away.

"Heisuke! Heisuke!" cried her as she trotted toward me, her wooden clogs banged noisily against the surface of the road. "Heisuke, don't you remember your own mother?"

I faced her with a bitter smirk fastened to my lips, "You? My mother? You must be mistaken."

She made an attempt to reach for my hand but I jerked away in disgust. She reeked of cheap perfume and liquor.

"I'm sorry. I have wronged you. Can we talk, just for a moment..." She added shakily, "...son?" As my eyes fell on her unkempt figure, I took notice of how much older she had become--despite the thick mask of white powder and make-up--since I left.

"How is your life?" inquired her blandly while walking by my side down the near-empty street.

I didn't answer. My mind was concentrating on blocking the painful images that were resurging from the past.

"You must hate me greatly. I'm a terrible mother. If only I could do something for you, so you'd forgive me..."

"The only favor you could've done was killing me before I was born. But it's too late now." I added acidly, "I'd forgive you if you did. At least then you wouldn't sell me off in exchange for opium."

"The man forced me! He lied to me! I thought...I could buy you back when I have enough money..." she protested, "I'm so sorry, Heisuke...I was so desperate...don't you remember? I was dying..."

"...from lacking opium. What about me? What about when that fucking homosexual raped me? Don't tell me you're sorry! When I cried my throat out, you weren't sorry at all. You were too busy smoking the opium you got from selling me to that twisted son-of-a-bitch!" Overwhelmed with fury, I spat at her face.

"Heisuke! Heisuke!" wailed her as I ran away. Ran, really, for I was afraid I'd kill her had I stayed a moment longer. My face was grotesquely distorted from grining madly, biting back anger and swallowing pain at the same time. I shut my eyes, just so I wouldn't have to see the sordid scenes from the past replaying over and over in my mind...But it was in vain...

* * *

_Six years ago..._

_"You'll just stay here for a little while...be good, alright? I'll come for you later."_

_"Don't leave me here, okaa-san! Take me with you! I'll do anything...anything you want! Don't leave me!"_

_I clung tightly to her kimono sleeve and wouldn't let go. I was scared. Scared of this strange place where everything was either dim or submerged in darkness. Scared of the Devil who stood in the corner with his two slimy, ugly eyeballs pinned on me. Scared of everything._

_"Heisuke, I have to go!"_

_"Okaa-san! I'll do anything you want...anything..."_

_I cried out violently as I ran after her. I reached out my hand like a drowned person would do to a life saver. She was so close...just within my reach...almost...almost..._

_"Okaa-san! Help me!"_

_I never reached her._

_The Devil pulled me back before my hand could take a hold of her kimono. The Devil grabbed my throat so I couldn't scream out anymore. The Devil dragged me into a room and shut the door and tossed his clothes on the floor. The Devil locked my arms in his iron hands and stripped me naked of my clothes and groped with his lurid hands all over my body._

_I fought. I kicked. I bit. I screamed._

_"OKAA-SAN!"_

_She wasn't there. She was gone. She did not heard my plea. She never did._

_"HELP! Somebody help!"_

_No one was there to save me from the Devil. I was left alone to fight my own battle. The battle I fought and lost. Lost something I could never regain._

* * *

_So it happened that I stopped being a kid at the age of ten. No longer did I believed in such thing as unconditional affection. Peaceful coexistence among human beings is merely bullshit. How people treat each other is a matter of give and take: you always give and expecting something back. Like how that woman sold me to take something in return, because she's given me my life and I had nothing to give her back._

_The deal that woman made with the Devil, however, was another story. The Devil has given me nothing but pain whilst I had taken none from him. Though my childish mind couldn't fully grasp the sickening aspect of what he did, I knew that I was hurt. Not just physically hurt, but worse, I was hurt to the core of my soul._

_Of course, the pain didn't dull my senses and make me an idiot either. I tried to run away every chance I got. The Devil'd beat and raped me even more brutally as a mean to kill away my rebelious spirit; except it didn't die, each time I got caught, the will to escape burnt hotter. Then finally came the day God opened his eyes and caused the Devil to drug himself unconcious, so that I could break free from his hellhole._

_Freedom was sweet, but a person couldn't be fed on freedom, you see. Again I was reduced to become lower than a mongrel dog, as I trudged my bony self around town, digging trashcans for scraps of food people threw out. As I dug deeper, I found that there were all sort of usable stuffs people tossed away other than food. One time I found a wooden duck with a chipped wing, a rag doll without an eye, a pair of worn sandals, a tattered--though still wearable haori, all from one single trashcan._

_"You! Stop messing with trash!" called out a little girl no older than five, who was playing hopscotch in front of a fancy looking house._

_"My trash!" she fumed, her hands on her hips, as if she was the house's mistress. "My ducky! My Aoi-chan!" she pointed accusingly to the toys on my hand. I thought she was pretty cute, until she cried out: "I tell Kaa-chan!" and made an attempt to run toward the house, but I pulled her back by the hem of her kimono._

_RETTTTTTTTHHHHHHH_

_My face paled as I held a torn sleeve of her pretty--and probably costly too--kimono. It be came even paler as the kid started to cry and bawling out at the same time:_

_"WHAOAAAAAA! My pretty kimono! You meanie! You tear it! WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

_I swore her mouth was so loud it could be used as a sort of alarm bell for town assemblies._

_"Shush! Don't cry, Hime-chan! Here's your ducky and dolly too," I handed over the toys, and much obliged too. But being the spoiled brat she was, the girl just threw her toys back at me and continued to scream her voice out, "KAA-CHAN! KAA-CHAN! KAA-CHAN!"_

_"Damn it! Stop crying already!" I was about to stuff a rag into her mouth when my eyes caught sight of the pieces of charcoal, which were used as marking stones, on the hopscotch squares._

_If I can't shut her up, then maybe I can stop her from crying by making her laugh instead... Aha!_

_I picked up the charcoal, rolled up my shirt and doodled a funny face on my stomach, "Why're you crying, little lady?" asked I in a cheap imitation of a hick's voice. Just for extra effect, my hands were pinching at the corner of the mouth to give the impression of a talking stomach._

_"Huh?" She gave up crying almost instantly. "Who are you?"_

_"Why, I'm Mistah Funny Face!" exclaimed Funny Face in a majestic voice, "The One and Only Kid-Friendly, Cutesy, Talking Stomach! I'm hungry, do you have any food for me, Hime-chan? This ducky, yes?" Funny Face winced as the duck kept hitting against its mouth, "So hard, my teeth are coming out! What's the brown stuff the ducky made of?"_

_She laughed. Humor worked like a charm. "Wood, baka silly!"_

_Funny Face tried eating the doll, "This one is tough! What's it made out of?"_

_The kid was roaring with laughter now,"Cloth, baka silly! Where you come from anyway?"_

_"Don't you know me?"_

_"No. Never see a talking stomach."_

_"You ain't ever seen a talking stomach? No, really?" Funny Face frowned, "Tell me, Hime-chan, have you ever been hungry?"_

_"No. Kaa-chan cooks lots of food. All the time."_

_Funny Face sighed, "No wonder. Your stomach don't talk unless it needs food. Hime-chan's never hungry."_

_The girl twinkled her eyes curiously, "Nii-chan is hungry?"_

_Funny Face nodded solemnly, "Hai. Unlike Hime-chan, Nii-chan has no Kaa-chan to cook for him. He's hungry all the time."_

_"But if Nii-chan hungry no more, then Funny Face no more!" pouted her, "Shinji want Funny Face!"_

_"Don't ya worry, Hime-chan! Funny Face is here to stay!" grinned Funny Face, then it added, "but you have to give Nii-chan food, or he'll go away!"_

_"Nii-chan don't go! Come inside! Kaa-chan cooks lots of food for you!" cheered Shinji happily as she took my hand and pulled me toward her house._

_Shinji's mom was a very nice person, in addition to being a wonderful cook. There were rice, miso soup, fried fish, beefstew...I stuffed my face with everything she gave me until Mistah Funny Face was all round and swollen up._

_"I've never seen anyone so good at eating." joked Shinji's mom as she watch me gourged my mouth with food._

_"Arigatou gozaimasu..." said I sheepishly, while wiping my mouth with the hem of my dirty shirt._

_"You can call me Midori-san." She beamed a kind smile at me. "What's your name, sweetie?"_

_"It's Heisuke..." I added more after a pause, "my last name is Toudou, I think..."_

_"Where do you live? I'm going to take you back, your parents must be worry."_

_"I don't have parents." What else could I tell her? That Mother sold me to the Devil for the white stuff she smoked, that my Father was too good to take in a bastard son?_

_"I'm sorry, sweetie. How did you survive all these years?" The look on her face was genuine sympathy._

_"I dig out trashcans for food..."_

_For what seemed like a long time, Midori-san looked at me closely, or reading my facial expression rather--to see if I was a worthy kid or not--before she finally spoke:_

_"Heisuke, how would you like to live in an orphanage?"_

_"Orphanage?" repeated I blankly._

_"Hai. It's a place for sweeties like you. Wonderful place too, you'll have so many friends, a lot of toys, new clothes, and best of all, real foods!"_

_"Honto ni?"_

_"Really. No more digging trashcans, no more grumbling stomachs!"_

_At the mention of stomach, Shinji cut in suddenly, "No more Mistah Funny Face?"_

_"Nani?" asked Midori-san, "What's this Funny Face?"_

_As of this moment, I'm officially a clown in Shinji's eyes. "She's afraid I won't be playing with her anymore."_

_"It's alright, Shin-chan. You can go visit Heisuke when we have time."_

_Shinji pouted while shaking her head from side to side, "No! Funny Face stay! Heisuke-nii stay!"_

_The brat was throwing a fit again. Yet this time, all it took was a glare from Midori-san to shut her up._

_Mothers know best, ne?_

* * *

_"Midori-san, what do I have to do?" asked I nervously as we walked to the orphanage place._

_"What do you mean? You don't have to do anything, except for just being a good kid...and probably help out with a few chores around the house."_

_"That's all? Are you sure?"_

_"Hai. I'm positive."_

_I went back to my thoughts. If that's all we have to do, then orphanage isn't bad at all. No more digging trash to obey hungry stomach, no more sleeping on porch on cold winter nights, no more itching and scabies from dirty clothes... Has God finally opened his eyes and see this miserable kid?_

_Yet all of the sudden, my heart felt as I realized that we were passing by the place where the Devil lived. I squeezed Midori-san's hand tightly and shut my eyes each time we took a step closer to that hellhole._

_"What's wrong, sweetie?" Then she clicked her tongue peevishly, "What rotten luck!" Midori-san was refering to a funeral going on by the Devil's place._

_"I know." said one of the watching bystanders, "It's about time that scum kicked the can."_

_"Seems like the deceased wasn't very well liked around here." commented another bystander._

_"Not well-liked?" repeated the first one increduously, "Don't you know? That old nasty homosexual son-of-a-bitch was an opium dealer! What worse, the sick asshole kept little kids in that house for sex slaves!"_

_I winced in pain at the last remark._

_"Come on, sweetie, let's go the other way." Midori-san took my hand and we walked away. Even so, I could still hear them talking.  
"How did he die?"_

_"Was found in a well. Drowned and cracked head at the same time. They think it's an addict--one of his customer-- that pushed him down, since traces indicate the opium in storage was stolen."_

_"It's karma...no matter what they say...God still has eyes...afterall."_

* * *

**Character Note:**

(Heisuke)

Don't hate me for the bad things that happened to Heisuke , he'll laugh his way through it all...Heisuke's one of my favorite PMK characters, so I want to develop his personality more thoroughly in this fic. He's funny, yet cynical; sweet, yet sour at the same time. Quite a paradox, actually (did you notice the title?). But most importantly, Heisuke is **NOT GAY. NOBODY's GAY in PMK**. And oh yeah, damn his mother! Stupid irresponsible btch! Damn the homosexual too! Twisted ! (alright I'll quit ranting now)

* * *

(Shinji)

Little spoiled brats are cute! Why? I happened to have one living with me, ha ha. Shinji's not gonna be one of those bore-you-to-death Mary Sue OCs, heck no! I'll make her imperfect as much as possible (AMAP), but still in the "lovable" range somehow. I will leave it to you to comment on her personality so far.

* * *

(Midori)

I'm trying to make her role more than just a foil to Heisuke's mother. She's there for emotional/moral support to Shinji, plus, it's bad enough the little girl has an abusive jerk for a Dad--no parent/bad parents 's becoming cliche' here, so I'll try to keep it down AMAP. Any suggestion to make Midori's role more significant is welcome.

* * *

READ & REVIEW PLEASE, THANKS! 


	4. Lady or the Wolf: Soujirou

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Peacemaker. Nanae Chrono does. I do claim ownership of the plot and the OCs though.

* * *

**Men and Women **

**Chapter 3: The Lady or the Wolf: Soujirou

* * *

**

As soon as you were born into the world, you start making choices. Even when you were only an infant, you'd choose to smile or laugh when someone dear played with you; cry or be irritated when you're hungry or soiled your diaper... If one were to compile a list of the choices we make during our lifetimes, the amount of paper required would be as high as Mt. Fuji, provided they were stacked on top of each other, piece by piece. I said Mt. Fuji, and not the sky, because the choices are not infinite, because at some point in life people would choose to stop living and carry the list to their graves, along with regrets or contentment, depending on how well the choices were made.

As for me...

I made my life decision when I was but a boy of eleven. There wasn't much to regret on or be content about--I just picked my choice, that was it.

I chose 'Danger', the marking stone that led me down to a path whose final stop was 'Death'.

_In my dream, the Wolf was 'Danger', and Kaa-chan was supposedly the opposite--'Safety'. The three of us were at a crossroads, which seemed to me has just materialized out of thin air, as was the blizzard of sakura blossoms falling from above._

_A word on sakura blossoms. They are said to be flowers of transciency, grieving for the short-lived lives, all wrapped up in their poignant beauty. Casually, I caught a flower and cupped it in my palm, a little puzzled as to what could it mean with the mass of pink petals raining down on me. I was snapped out of my musing as soon as I heard Kaa-chan's voice. She was urging deliriously for me to come to her, at the same time waving a poppet--which eerily resembled a miniature me. In her other hand was an oversized puppeteer's device that could_ _be used on a puppet as big as a human. And the Wolf, the Wolf was growling and smacking its lips at the same time. I wasn't sure wolves can really do that in real life, seeing that I've never had the chance encounter with one before. However, it looked hungry enough to bite off my head if I were to take another step towards it._

_"Sou-chan dearest! Come to Kaa-chan! Kaa-chan loves you!"_

_I crushed the sakura flower in my palm and tossed it away. Holding on tight to my shinai, I eyed Kaa-chan and the Wolf to and fro, with a newly evoked feeling of uneasiness. The sight of the poppet she was holding sent chills down my spines. She was out to impose control over me just as she has been, for as long as I was her son._

_Beads of cold sweat were trickling down my forehead. My hands felt so clammy that I had trouble grabbing the shinai. I was scared, like a little child seeing a ghost on a stormy night. I was scared of Kaa-chan, and the Wolf too...a demon of a wolf. Its fangs of danger, its claws of death were threatening...and waiting...waiting..._

_Blood rushed through the veins in my head, bringing forth a voice screaming for me to make a choice. The voice became louder and quickened in pace as it joined in with the drumming of my heart, amplified so that it was maddening. So maddening I couldn't bear it anymore!_

_Shinai in hand, I charged at the Wolf--or an illusion of a wolf, as it turned out to be. The fight deemed hopeless from the beginning, for no matter how hard the blows I delivered to the Wolf with my shinai, none could harmed the demonic animal. The moment I ran out of breath was when the Wolf suddenly became tangible as life. Agressively, it leapt toward me and pinned me down with its own heavy iron-like body. Before I could struck it again with my shinai, the Wolf snapped my sole weapon in half as easily as it were a toothpick, and slapped me hard. Part of my cheek went flying into the air, leaving a painful deep gash on my face. Blood, my blood, splattered red all over as I struggled to escape its vice-like grip on my shoulders. _

_Then, something really insane happened. Kaa-chan's face merged into the Wolf's. She was eagerly tying up my arms and feet with strings connected to her puppeteer's device._

_"Sou-chan, won't you come with me? All I want is your safety...come with me, dearest Sou! Kaa-chan loves you." cooed her as she stood me up like one'd do a puppet. Her maniacal face was hovering over me. I've never seen Kaa-chan so frightening in my entire life. I shut my eyes and pleaded Kami-sama to end the horror right now._

_This is a nightmare! It has got to be!_

_Wake up Soujirou! WAKE UP!_

_"Sou-chan, won't you smile for Kaa-chan? Won't you be good for Kaa-chan? Won't you wear this pretty kimono for Kaa-chan?"_

* * *

I woke up with a start, feeling utterly exhausted as if I had just been wrestling Kaa-chan and the Wolf for real. My forehead, and my night garments too, were dampened in cold sweat. Frantically, my hands flew to my cheeks, groping to see if any part of them was missing. I was relieved that there wasn't. As I sat on the futon with my still-shaking body coiled up, kness affixed to chests and touching my chin, I felt scared and lonely than ever. Yet in spite of a crying impulse nagging at my heart, I kept quiet. Crying was useless. Nobody would come to take me into their arms and tell me everything would be all right and sing me back to sleep. No such thing. You might expect to get that kind of sentimental treatment at home, but not in an orphanage. There were simply too many kids and too few attention to spare for the bunch, not less one specific individual. That's why orphans don't live on affection--even deep down in our hearts we yearned for it--, no, we know better. We keep our sadness concealed, our envy for love buried, our tears flowing inwardly.

That's what I do. And what more, I keep a smile too.

The next morning was a beautiful day: playful wind racing passed the whispering trees, friendly sunbeams shining down on the spotless veranda, and smiling clouds gracing the azure sky--yes, from where I sat the clouds actually shaped like smiling faces, provided you squinted your eyes a little. I was sitting on the veranda, trying to make a shinai out of the few sticks and strings I've gathered earlier, when Takiko approached me with teary eyes:

"Soujirou-kun, would you play dolls with me?" Takiko was this short-haired, dark-eyed girl whose front teeth protruded outwardly. Her bunny-like teeth have been the perpetual target of other kids' rude teasing, which seemed rather stupid to me, as I thought her teeth were pretty cute.

"Um...I'm a little busy right now, Takiko. I'll let you play with me when I'm done, alright?" I smiled sweetly. To tell her frankly that I hate playing dolls'd hurt her feelings a lot--not to mention the series of incessant crying and wailing that would followed.

"But...Soujirou-kun! They're so mean they wouldn't let me play with them! You're the only one who's ever been nice to me!" She was trembling slightly, her eyes all watery again.

I sighed inwardly: Kami-sama, why did you give girls so much tears? "Alright, I'll...play with you." I picked up my unfinished shinai and walked toward the backyard.

"Soujirou-kun! Where are you going?"

Somewhere nobody can see me playing doll, thought I. "Somewhere we can be alone." I smiled at her, "We don't want those mean kids to wreck our game, do we?"

To my puzzlement, Takiko had this starry look in her eyes as she followed me and even when we started playing. She kept on smiling and staring at me the whole time we played, which caused me to ask if I had a smudge on my face--and she said no, you look lovely.

So I managed to drag myself through about fifteen peaceful minutes of playing doll until trouble showed up and wrecked the morning calm. Trouble was marked by a sour, provoking voice coming from behind my back:

"Heh, so it wasn't because you were too good for my candies, it's just that you love playing dolls better. I was right afterall. You're no boy, you're a sissy!"

I swung around, my eyes glaring daggers at the insulter--Shinji. She was the rich girl whose mom helpled funding the orphanage--the more reason for her to be the meanest bully around and still got away with her crazy escapades. More insults, encouraged by Shinji's acidic comment, from her group of cronies, followed suit:

"Eww! Soujirou's gay! He's a friggin' pansy!"

"I say we take off his pants and see if he has balls or not!"

Humiliation quickly turned into raw anger, boiling the blood in my veins, burning up my face and ears. Never before had I wanted to hit someone so much.

"At least I have Takiko as a friend. You don't." pointing to the group of orphans behind her, I hid my red face with a smirk, knowing I've hit her weak spot--judging from the sour look on her face, "You don't have any friends. In fact, you're so pathetic that you had to bribe them to be your cronies. As for your candies, I'd rather jump into a river than to eat them."

"Bitch." I lunged at her the moment the curse escaped her mouth. Kami-sama shall punish me for hitting a girl, but there's no way I'm going to let her trample all over my pride like that.

She kicked me in the groin for one punch I landed on her nose. It hurt as hell! I couldn't help swearing out loud, "Shitmatta!" This was no girl! It was a demon's child!

We were still fighting, slapping, kicking, and punching each other like two wild animals let loose--the kids enjoyed watching the fight so much they didn't bother to separate us--until Takiko pulled back my arm, which was aimed for a punch at Shinji's bleeding jaw.

"Help me, Soujirou-kun! They took my doll!"

The alledged doll-stealers--Shinji's cronies--were running toward the fence. Thanks to this diversion, Shinji got up on her feet and joined in with them.

"Shinji! Give back the doll!" Here I was yelling at the top of my lungs to Shinji, who was climbing up the tree whose branches were extended over the neighbor's yard, but she ignored me and kept on climbing, one hand clutching to the doll. Once up on a tree branch, she broke a long twig from the branch and tied up the doll to one end with a string she used to tie up her hair. Grinning like a maniac, Shinji lowered the rod down over to the other side of the fence.

"Sayonara, dolly!"

Takiko's face went grey. We all knew that the neighbor kept a mad dog in his yard for security purpose. The dog barked angrily every time Shinji'd lower the doll near its jaw--to Takiko's horror--and with one swift jerk, take the doll out of its reach. She was toying with it, but I could see the wicked gleam of mischief in her eyes. No doubt she was going to let go of the rod.

Without delaying another moment, I climbed up the tree and grabbed the rod from Shinji's hand. She refused to let go, and we struggled briefly until I heard the branch cracking under our weights. Before we had a chance to react, the branch collapsed, sending the two of us crashing into the neighbor's yard.

"Soujirou-kun!" Takiko was screaming frantically on the other side. "Somebody help him!"

In front of me was a monster of a dog, barking and growling in all its viciousness. I could feel the blood draining from my face as it grew pale in memory of last night's dreadful nightmare. Shinji, no longer possessed any of her usual dauntlessness, tugged my sleeve helplessly:

"Soujirou, do something!"

The dog was approaching...closer and closer. Shinji was frozen with terror--on the spot.

I smiled ironically, toying with a sudden wicked idea of tossing Shinji into the dog's jaws in return for all the troubles she caused me. That's probably what she would do in my place, but if I'd do it, I'd be no better than her.

"Give me your geta!" I grabbed the clog from her and waved it in front of the dog before tossing it in another direction. While the dog was still busy fetching it, I pulled Shinji out of her frozen position and pushed her up the fence. I tried to get her to climb up, but the fence was too high and her body, though diminutive in stature, turned out to be heavy as lead--I supposed it wasn't much of a shock, keeping in mind the fact that she has daily access to all of her mom's cooking.

All of the sudden, I felt a pang of pain piercing through my right arm. The dog's sharp fangs sank deeper and deeper into my flesh as I let out a moaning cry--its jaws were so huge they seemed to be swallowing my arm as a whole. I lost my balance and toppled backward onto the ground with the demon dog on top of me. The nightmare was replaying before my dazed eyes with all its horror--only this time it's for real.

The dog was about to tear my throat out when Shinji knocked it over with her other geta. To create a further diversion, she swung the rod with Takiko's doll before the mad dog, then threw it to the end of the yard--with the demon dog hot on pursuit. As we scrambled to our feet and climbed over the fence, Takiko's doll perished in the dog's deadly jaws.

* * *

When the doctor finally let me go back to the orphanage, I was astonished to see someone waiting for me by the gate.

Kaa-chan.

Before I could back away and run toward the other direction, Kaa-chan rushed toward me and gave me a big hug--which hurt a lot, but I only dared to groan. Upon seeing my disheveled figure, she gasped:

"Sou-chan! What happened to you? Who did this to you?"

"It's alright Kaa-chan. It's just some scratch." said I nervously as I saw her glaring with hatred at the handmade shinai I tucked in my obi.

"You precious poor thing!" was what she kept on repeating on our way to the inn in which she was lodging. There she bandaged me up and made a fuss out of every scratch she encountered, then finally upon seeing the dog's bite on my right arm, she concluded that I was to stay home with her and never again have anything to do with such "violent" thing as fighting again.

"No! No, Kaa-chan, you don't understand! I'm fine, really!"

My disobedience was her cue to erupt into a catatonic fit. She wailed and lamented on how she was fearful of losing me, of seeing me hurt, all the while clutching onto me without letting go. I struggled until I was so weary I gave up and fell into a much obliged sleep. The next day I tried to sneak out early in the morning. Turned out it still wasn't early enough, for Kaa-chan was already up and was putting wood into the fire underneath the stove to cook some sort of soup. As I came closer to the stove, a realization hit me hard like a stone bolder dropped on my head: it wasn't wood that Kaa-chan fed the fire! It was the pieces of my shinai!

"Kaa-chan! What are you doing!" gasped I in horror. Without thinking, I thrusted my good hand into the fire to try to retrieve the pieces. Flames seared through it, causing my hand to immediately go up to my earlobe. I'd try a second time, but Kaa-chan already pulled me back away from the stove.

"Sou-chan! Are you crazy? You could've been burn to death!" There was a really agitated look on her face as she held my left hand--which was blistering from the burns.

"You're the crazy one!" I cried out loud in anguish--something I'd rarely do. "Why did you burn my shinai?"

"Sou-chan! Don't you understand?" wailed Kaa-chan loudly as she began to descend into a state of madness. "I only want you to be safe! Don't you know how much my heart ached when I saw you beaten black and blue like yesterday? No, even if it means you hate me, I won't let you touch a sword! Don't you remember how your father died? He died by his sword, Sou-chan! By his sword! He has broken my heart enough, I beg you please don't do it again! I won't let you go, dearest Sou! I'm not gonna let violence tear you from me! I won't!"

"Enough!" I screamed. "I've had it enough with acting like a girl! Enough with flowery kimonos and playing dolls! You think you can keep me safe by converting me into a girl, but you're wrong!"

All buried shame, all suppressed tears, all hidden anger, and all the memory of yesterday's humiliation bellowed out of my mouth. I was just as hysterical as her. "You're twisted, Kaa-chan, and I'm afraid of you! Will you please just stop! I'm a boy, not a girl, don't you get it?"

Even after that was spoken, Kaa-chan remained hysterical. She was clutching violently to my sleeves to keep me from running away. In a desperate attempt to escape, I jerked away with all strength I could muster, and the sleeve ripped off my yukata with an angry sound of tearing fabric--rendering Kaa-chan toppled backward, still crying...still wailing...still screaming 'Sou-chan'...

* * *

I ran so fast. I ran as if the Demon was behind me, swinging his axe to slit my throat. I ran until my legs could no longer support the invisible weights chained to them--they crumbled--, and I collapsed down to the grassy riverbank in exhaustion.

_Kaa-chan. I used to love her so much. She used to be...normal!_

I felt horrible when I uttered those words. That I was scared of her. A child scared of his own mother!

_No, I didn't break her heart. I destroyed it._

Why did it have to come down to this--the insanity! the madness! My injured hands balled into fists and crashed down onto the dirt. So overwhelmed with utter frustration, I kept on hitting my head against the ground--it didn't occurred to me as painful. My emotions were in turmoil: anger, shame and guilt all fused together, stabbing from the inside of my chest, screaming to be let out.

So I let them all out. My mind went blank, and my soul was void.

It wasn't until I looked up that I realized tears were streaming down my cheeks--I was crying--and what worse, someone else was here to see it too.

Shinji.

I turned away. Of all people, she was the last human being whom I wanted to be here.

"It's alright. You can cry if you want to. I won't tell." said her, offering me a silken handkerchief. I didn't take it.

"Would you do me a favor? I need to be alone."

"At least eat my mochi first!" She extended the box of sweets to me.

I glared at her with disbelief. "Stop mocking me."

She continued to urge, holding out a piece of mochi in my face. Irritated, I shoved her hand out of the way. I was about to turn my back and leave, but stopped when I caught sight of her blistered hand. There were cuts all over it.

"I worked so hard to make them." She lowered her eyes timidly, "I'm sorry I acted like a sore bitch. I'm sorry I made fun of you."

My heart actually softened at this sudden turnout. Nevertheless, my mind refused to forgive, "What are you playing at? Why are you doing this?"

She sat down beside me, "I'm bribing you to be my friend. Is that alright with you?" She was as straight forward as one can be. "I know bribing people is wrong, but for someone like me, it's the only way I can play with them."

"I don't see anything wrong with you." I mumbled. Lying was hard, but I didn't have the heart to be truthful and hurt her feelings.

"There's no need to lie. I'm like a rock, and a rock doesn't have feelings." Her eyes looked sad though she denied it. I offered her a mochi and popped one into my mouth. I chewed it slowly before speaking again. The mochi she made actually tasted good despite their ugly facade. Strangely, Shinji seemed surprised as I commented her on it.

"Honto ni? You think it's good? It's just that I never received a compliment before."

She smiled, her entire face lit up as brightly as sunshine. For someone who's always got criticized, a small compliment is the really an amazing thing.

We stayed by the riverbank until the sun went to bed in its magnificent orange and beautiful crimson colours. We talked and ate mochi and had such great laughs I forgot about the argument with my mother. It was the craziest thing! me talking to this...this awfully mean person--probably the meanest one I've met up until that point of my life. I could hardly imagine withstanding her bullying ways, much less spending the whole afternoon together.  
She was still the same person, the same Shinji. The only thing different was that I knew the reason as to why she takes out her anger on others, just as her abusive father has taken his anger out on her.

Sometimes you'd greatly misunderstood people because you don't know about their past.

"You should go back. It's late." Shinji got up and dusted off the bottom of her kimono.

She said the same thing that girl said on the rainy night I ran away from the orphanage. I blurted out a question, wanting to know if she was that same girl who stopped me from descending any further down the path of danger. Shinji just smiled at me and said nothing.

* * *

The room Kaa-chan had rented was messy and deserted like the aftermath of a battle. Kaa-chan was nowhere to be seen.

"Sou-chan!" I turned around and saw my older sister, Ame at the door. She looked exhausted and unkempt. "Sou-chan...no baka! Do you...know...how hard it is...for me to look for you! I ran around the whole fief, damnit! the whole fief!"

"Where's Kaa-chan?"

"She's back in the hospital." Seeing the shocked expression on my face, she went on blandly, "I called for them to take her back."

"How could you do that?" I shouted to her face, "she's your Kaa-chan too! how could you...?"

She screamed back at me, "What would YOU have done? You tell me! She's a schizophrenic, the only place she could be safe is a hospital! Do you intend for her to wander the streets being like that! What do you think could happen to her?"

Tears were brimming my eyes. I clamped my mouth shut lest the sobs came out.

I missed Kaa-chan! I really did! I ran away that night just to come see her. How ironic it is that I pushed away the person I loved. I lost my Kaa-chan again.

Ame-neesan took my hand,"Sou-chan, it's okay that you cry, everyone does. But what you do afterwards is the important thing. You have to be strong. I'm going to take you to a dojo, and you'll learn kendo there, but you also have to work hard. Be strong, because you are on your own now, Sou."

"What will happen to you?"

She bit her lips, "I can take care of myself."

"I don't want to learn kendo, please, let me go with you!" Even the prospect of something as exciting as that became meaningless if I were to be alone.

"To tell the truth, I can't support the both of us. So I'm counting on you to support yourself. You may be a boy now, but I have faith you will grow up to be a strong, honorable man."

"You really believe so?"

Ame squeezed my hand, "I know so."

The lady was gone. I was left to fend off the wolf by myself.


End file.
